Love is like oxygen...

troyboy87 @ 2005-01-18T08:18:00

2005-01-18T13:22:58Z

Long time no entry... Just wanted to let you know that I was alive and still very well :) The homelife is a little rough but im pulling through okay. I mean i only live her Monday through Friday and then Im with Steph and chase Fri - Sun. Ah I love them both to death. So yeah I am officially in my longest relationship as of last month actually... thursday is our 4 month anni... Hes an amazing boy but i wont get into the mouchey crap cause that my buisness :) Steph, my newest best friend, is also amazing - she makes me feel so comfortable as do her parents. AHh going with Jess for a nail appointnent so ill get back to you later

Babysit??????

2004-12-05T15:41:21Z

**Babysit? No no no There was no sittign involved in this baby.... More like baby run and stick wiggles books in my mouth and throw cheese at me and pee everywhere and flick my earings while im sleepin ( LOL yeah i kinda fell asleep for 10 min so not my fault she was asleep when i fell asleep... yeah so babysitting whats ooodles of fun... But i love that baby shes the most adorable thing in the world!!!

** decided I do not want children afterall**

**College Outlook is lookin well.. its lookin...
So far ive been accepted to Rowan ( full ride ), Monmouth ( 12,000 a year scholarship), and St.Peters where i really do not plan on going at all.........................
....... where i really want to go is Pace University or NYU ( Not lookin so good but high hopes gotta keep that head up )... Im also applying to Temple, Fordham, Seton Hall, and Marymount Manhattan. I guess i will know for sure soon.

**I have made a final decision on a major and minor also: Double Major in Journalism and Psychology and minor in Photography..... Finally

**And ive decided on becoming a psychology college professor and freelance journalist....

**Btw im officially the college class of 2008!! w00t **

**I am currently dating the most amazing boy... and its mutual... Chase :) - he's going to end up goign to Rowan so i realy considreing that even though i know that i shouldnt go somewhere for a boy... but Rowans on my list to.... Hes also applying to Temple and Monmouth - both on my list... wish him and i luck )

++ Today: Spend the day with chase day ++

-And- National Everyone say Fetch day

I hate you all... each tear a memory.. for i love al

2004-12-04T07:15:32Z

I wanted to take this time to tell explain how i feel at the current moment:

I fucking hate all of you people whom i have become so attched to in these lsat eighteen years of my life. I sit here adn cry knowing that i only have six months left and off to the college world I go as will all of you some day, if not already. Each tear i hsed right now is dedicated to every memory i shared with all of you, every sniffle is me saying thank you for giving me all that you gave me and a sincere statement of I love you. I know we have all had our hard times, our fights, and all of that stuff but i want you to know i forgive youa ll for everything... every single one of you for anythign i have ever done, i am sorry and im realy sorry that this is what it took to make me realize all of this and how much you guys really mean to me. For the past week ive been really thinking and looking over pictures and notes that i have saved and can't halp but cry becuase im not ready to go, im not ready to leave all of you... it feels like it al just began... Thank you all for the laughter and the good times and the reality checks and the heart breaks and fights because it all contributed to who i am today... we all must part at some time in our lives and eith get jobs or move onto post high sdhool education... that road that we all followed together these past eighteen years as one just split and i know its now time we all take our own paths but i just don't want to. I have something for all of you, everyone and anyone who has had the slughtest impact on my life, i made you all something and you shall get it soon. I want you to take this gift that i give you and keep it forever and everytime you feel lonley or like no one our there cares you can look at this and know at least one preson out there is htinking about you all the time. And i want you to all promise me that you will never forget me and you will always keep in touch no matter how far apart we are physically because i shall always be with you mentally... I love you all... IM so sorry to all ofyou and if there is anyhting i can do for all of you i hurt to at least leviate the pain please tellme and i will try my god damn hardest I PROMISE YOU... becuase looking at all of htese pictures, and movie stubs, and letters, and notes, and yearbooks IT HURTS! I love you all and you shall ALL be reciving my momentum shortly...

I love you all,
YOUR BEST FRIEND Troy

Wow

2004-11-19T03:08:22Z

Whats up people im going to make this short and choppy... not to much to cover:
Got into Rutgers and Monmouth YET DONT WANT TO ATTEND EITHER
Nyc has been my second home these last 2 months its where i belong
I have a beautiful and amazing boyfriend who i shall not introduce to any of you because i want to keep this one
Im a dancing fool... club every sat and wed
School sucks
I think i may want to be a journalist
I have a 2 pack w00t w00t
I no longer have any insecurities
I missm y friends

Im soo sexy hehe

troyboy87 @ 2004-11-09T16:47:00

2004-11-09T21:50:24Z

Nothing to really update about... life is life, living it the best i can... 6 months until im 18 and move to the city... im there allt he time anyways... i cant wait to actually be a part of it... oha nd yeah 1 month of being single today W00tW00t and im loving every second of it :)

Jassa and I

2004-11-04T22:03:13Z

Mike and I

Jen

2004-11-04T22:00:38Z

Myers and keith

2004-11-04T09:52:30Z

soo true..

2004-11-04T09:44:02Z

To MATT:

2004-11-04T09:18:41Z

I love NYC

2004-11-04T09:17:19Z

I have insomnia...

2004-11-04T09:01:24Z

Cool eh?

troyboy87 @ 2004-11-03T19:18:00

2004-11-04T00:21:53Z

There is this girl... her name is Jassa... and she's my role model! Lol

troyboy87 @ 2004-11-03T12:50:00

2004-11-03T17:53:54Z

BUSH 04' WOOT WOOT!

Get your facts straight people

maybe if you studie a little you would knwo the truth

but no your ignorant and look at stupid little things like: Do you want to get married one day troy? ITS NOT f'in bush the house and senate have to rule it over 2/3 's... bush has little say.... Get over it!

Bush all i have to say is don't fuck up... i know your a goodman... keep your word

Keep fighting that WAR!

Fixed

2004-11-03T17:17:57Z

I know i know i know i know i know... the election was rigged...
Im actually glad bush won because Kerry is a wuss...
you dont back down you fight until your last breathe...
demand a damn recount...
do not forfitt...
If you actually think abotu it they both went to Yale meaning they both were in the secret society at yale... meaning they both made vows and such... I think it was fixed....
I liked Kerry before the Ohio conflict....
Now im happy Bush is in!
Something bads going to happn i can feel it

troyboy87 @ 2004-11-03T11:55:00

2004-11-03T16:55:48Z

New band name Shiloh and i decided: Last train Home - Hot eh eh eh?

NYC

2004-11-03T16:54:47Z

Monday night i went out and bought a new cool outfit ( tight, blue, qucksilver hoodie ) a brown vintage hott shirt, a new pair of diesel shoes, and a pair of dark express jeans. Joe came and got me a little after that and we went up to middle town where i stayed the night in his house. In the morning we left for NYC. Before i go into our day i want to say one thing - forget philly NEW YORK CITy is where i belong... i feel so awesome there like i am part of everything... i want to study and live there so bad - I have picked a new number one college : PACE University! Well we walked though te city to my favorite diner on the corner of Broadway and 31st; Ellens Stardust diner... then we met up with mike and went back to PAce U... we hung out in his dorm for a lil then headed to brooklyn for the best cheesecake int he world..... We walked over the fucking brooklyn bridge ( IT WAS AMAZING, SO BEAUTIFUL AND BREATHTAKIN ) which will be my new jogging spot.... we then got our cheesecake and sat on the stairs of a building and listened to a lady trying to sell jackets say, "Buy a goddamn jacket... these jackets are on fuckign sale" it was amazing - i felt at home lol. We then went to Little Italy and the Manhattan Mall where i met the most gorgeous gay guy - wierd this is that he was black ( no attraction to balck guys but this one was different OMG i almost melted)... so yeah then we walked to china town and then to the Village ( my fav place ) where all the cute gay guys hang out.... Well we walked around a little more and then we sadly left... went back to joes, watched soem of the election, then joe drove me to the train station where i missed the train and ened up staying till the 1 olock train... then i got to Pt. Pleasant and Harry ( the most awesome friend in the world ) picked me up all the way from stockton and brought me home where i slept in my moms car till the morning... then i woke up and went to class and now i sit here writitng....

tonight: Leaving at about 7 to meet Shiloh in Egg Harbor and then were off to Shampoo in philly to dance our asses off.. I love the sity life.... 6 more months and im there to stay!

troyboy87 @ 2004-11-01T08:11:00

2004-11-01T13:09:26Z

Yay for Computer Labs... sitting here cause mom is yet to be informed that i dropped my morning class UGH!

troyboy87 @ 2004-10-31T01:11:00

2004-10-31T05:11:33Z

Its 111 am.. wanna see a neat trick

troyboy87 @ 2004-10-30T17:28:00

2004-10-30T21:47:50Z

These past few days i have done nothing but keep to myself and you know what i have realized alot of things i wouldnt have otherwise realized if i hadnt been left alone. I can't wait to go to college, i mean i know i am going to cry and get upset and all but i can't wait to "meet" the city. I want that lifestyle, i knwo it is where i belong. Ever get that feeling like you wish you could stay and never leave such a place... like you feel "full", i fyou will. both Philly and New York give me this feeling and nothign will stop me from feeling that way everyday and living there. I have decided to switch my major to that of Psychology and Theater and continue to minor in interior design. I may also switch the career i wanted to take part in - But i shall not talk of it now ( ask me if you really want to know - it is quite interesting ). I met someone you guys - a new friend - and we are ahing out in two weeks - Her name is Mary Kate Olsen... ipromised her to be her friend not for the fame but for who she is ( we are alot alike ). Im going to an IHOP haloween party tonight dressed as a girl.... but first i need to go buy a skirt and get my otehr ear peirced YAY.... I got these really cool pride earings too They're HOTT!! The singleness finally isnt getting to me - i think im going to wait till the semester is over to even start dating... or maybe even till i move to the city.... I love my Jen lol..... Missy i miss you.... Keith i miss you... Mel i imiss you... I miss everyone..... Contact me Nigga's... Meet the new troy ( the punked out homo version )... Dying my hair in 2 weeks Jet black. Nipples pierced on Wednesday.... Industrial pierced today.... tatoo for christmas ( of an upside down triangle with a rainbow in it on my lower back )... oh and im starting to go to the gym next week also... and tanning......

12th air on Saturday with Heather and Alyse

Shampoo on Wednesday with Shiloh

:) Im trying to feel better
* Car on Saturday YAY

New Quote: Fuck you if you dont like me for me... I dont fucking care anymore... Troy is unleashed! And im not changing for anyone

troyboy87 @ 2004-10-29T14:46:00

2004-10-29T19:33:24Z

There is so much going on in my life right now, so many decisions i must make that will affect my future. I don't think i have been this much of an emotional mess ever in my life. Nothing wants to work my way, nothing whatsoever.

School: Occ is just annoying... i have dropped two of my classes and now i only have four. One of them is online which makes it very hard. I can't wait to get out of this f'in school its so damn rediculous.

College College: I have been thinking lately and only thinking... no doing, no action... I need to get on the ball and get to central and get teachers to write me reccomends... My new list ( in order ) is:

NYU,Monmouth,Seton Hall,Temple,Drew,Rowan,Manhattanville,Rutgers ( I just see myself somewhere either in the city or very close to the city - minus rutgers which is why its my last choice )

Relationship status: I do not want a relationship at this point, i mean im not out looking for one but if one so happens to be coming my way i will not stop it. I really enjoy having someone there but im not being desperate anymore, let them fine me.

Appearance: I feel utterly digusting. I don't know what it is. First of all i need to get in shape byt January first ( 1 year anniversary of being out :) )... I need to rid of whats left of my acne and just shape up. Second i want to get my tounge, lip, and eyebrow pierced and my mom refuses to even think about letting me get any of them ( eben though she has 2 of the 3 ), and i wanna die my hair jet black with pink in it OR just put copper highlights... but no she is mrs.close minded. Plus i wanna buy some abercrombie and she said no lol

Family: My mom an i were getting closer now she is back to her old ways. She lectured me to tears yesterday in the car on the way home from class. She said im trying to be too much like everyone else.. like all the boys i date... she called me a whore, i have a new guy every week ( not true i have friends that are gay mom - just cause theyre gay doesnt mean they are my bf )... then she said she beter never find out i hold hands or kiss in public because of the pooor little children, they shouldnt have to see to guys or two girls kissing... then she told me about how she wnated to puke when she saw it the other day. W/E mom IM A QUEER.. Im GAY... A FAGGOT... FAg.Fruitcake,fudgepacker,homo,homosexual.... YOUR SON!

I Just want to be normal... i just want to be me!

Goin to the club with my ihop girls next saturday night... i cant wait

I LOOOOOOOOOOVE the City... its where i feel FULL and can Be ME

troyboy87 @ 2004-10-26T15:43:00

2004-10-26T20:05:36Z

"When I'm lost in the rain,
In your eyes I know I'll find the light
To light my way.
And when I'm scared, - Jen
And losing ground,
When my world is going crazy,
You can turn it all around.
And when I'm down you're there
- pushing me to the top.
You're always there,
giving me all you've got"

* In times of depression we tend to over look what we have right in front of our eyes, the best thing to do is to take time off to think before we lose those things" - Me

troyboy87 @ 2004-10-26T15:40:00

2004-10-26T19:40:07Z

OKay so maybe i have given up and everyone - But the good thing is that everyone did not give up one me! *Muah* you know who you are!!!

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anyway from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
I just want to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

On relationships...

2004-10-25T16:05:49Z

I've come to the conclusion that I have liked the wrong people in the past year. And you can't date people, if they don't want to date you. You can pretend; especially when sex is involved. But that usually just lends to uncomfortable situations or unhealthy behavior.

Consider the fact that in all my history, the longest 'relationship' I had lasted 3 months... And the guy dumped me for drugs(god, he beat me to the punchline...) I've never had a real 'boyfriend' in all honesty. Though some would consider me an 'ex' (come on though... sleeping together does not a relationship make... in my world anyway...)

My friends say, I'm too picky... That I should 'go out' with guys simply because they ask me...

Righhhhhht... Because they ALLLLL do that. My counterargument is this. If I should go out with a guy simply because he asks me, why won't the guys I tend to like do the same for me? That's only karmically fair, right? Oh I forget... I have to be the noble one... Righhhhhht...

You see... I know my problems... my character flaws, per se... and I know EXACTLY what I want and why I want it... so I think I'll share that with my friends... let them know that I am not unaware or deluded, but quite self-aware.

I am a Taurus. A true one. I am emotional, sensitive, giving, compassionate, and clingy. With a catch. Only when I like someone. If I don't like you, you can simply reverse those things (I'm horrible at fake. Awesome at detachment... bad a fake.) So knowing that... here's what I need and tend to like...

1)Physical attraction- ok that's a given, but let's throw it out there. I am not above saying that I am partially shallow. You can be sweet, but that won't make me want to show you the wild playboy or affectionate lover; depending on preference ;o)

2)Decisiveness - I am HORRIBLE at making up my mind when it comes to trivial things like: movies, restaurants, which club to go to, etc. I need a man who will say, "This is what we are going to do." Mind you, I can always say no. But 95 percent of the time I will go with it. If I date a guy who is accomodating like me, we'll spend hours deciding on a fricking movie or restaurant. Not gonna work. Besides, he'll get what he wants most of the time, so that should be a positive ;o)

3)Assertive Communicator - Tell me what is on your mind! When someone gets mad at me or is upset and they won't tell me, I go insane. I need to know what the hell I did. Also, I am an avoider. I need someone who won't do that and who WON'T let me do that. I am SO easy to read. So make me speak when I don't want to... Force me. And just keep it on the table. Otherwise neither will ever say what's bothering us and boom... we're dead.

4)Independent - I can be clingy. I will be extremely clingy if a guy is bad at #3. I need someone who will say, "Mike, look... I know it's Friday, but I want to go spend time with my friend so-and-so... or Mike, I'm going away for the weekend and umm... need alone time." If a man is all me all the time... I'll kill him. Let me be the affectionate one... who ideally needs alone time too... I can handle bitches...

5)Family-Oriented - I don't care if his family hates him or is long dead. We're gay. I'm realistic. But I'm also lucky enough to love and be loved by my family. So if I ever find a long-termer, he's gonna have to partake in that.

6)Outgoing - I am grossly empathic and shy. If I date a guy that is the same... god, I'll never go anywhere or meet anyone new... no... not havin' it. People sometimes read that as elitist or snobby. I'm really just not that great at initiating convo.

UGH… so yeah, that sums Troy Barile up on realtionships

troyboy87 @ 2004-10-24T21:46:00

2004-10-25T01:48:43Z

I am starting to rethink of whether or not i know what love is. But if not given the chance to love orbe loved how is one to know? Do feelings between people really grow with time or is it an immediate assurance? Is fate real? Is there really one person out there for all of us? Where is my prince charming? Does he exist or is he just nother figment of my imaination living in my little fantasy world? Is he like the Santa Clause of our adulthood - something everyone tells us is true to please us until we learn otherwise- that such a person is non-existant? Was i meant to love? Or to just get hurt? My heart is broken -into countless pieces - is it worth repairing?